How Would You Survive A Zombie Holocaust?

Charlie Brooker's Dead Set has fully infected me with zombie fever. Over the weekend i watched Rec (short for record not a misspelt train wreck) which is a spanish zombie/horror movie and absolutely awesome. You will be scared during, and you will be jangled after.

So after Rec i was affected enough to trawl the net for those top ten tips on how to survive a zombie holocaust. I was disappointed and annoyed by the results which mainly consisted of illiterate blog posts by deficient Americans regurgitating what they've read on another half-witted American's blog post. Therefore after some short deliberation i thought i'd open up the question here... And start the list off with some of my own ideas.

Primarily we have to outline the parimeters and define what style zombie flick we are dealing with. I prefer the 28 Days Later premise that introduced the running zombie and basically revolutionised the genre. This was controversial as many, including Shaun of the Dead's Simon Pegg, argue that zombies simply do not run. It is also worth noting that Danny Boyle and Alex Garland never intended to make a zombie movie but that's simply how the mainstream media construed the film.

I feel it's more relevant to our current digital epoch full of fast-food and instant gratification, to consider the quick zombie as a basis for our rules. In addition, if we prepare for the speedy undead it will be a lot easier if we're lucky enough to get the classic George A. Romero's clumsy, lumbering zombie. Yeh, fingers crossed. In addition, from what i've seen, even with the most recent projects, there has yet to be a self-aware zombie flick. By this i mean, where the characters, although scared shitless, know exactly what's going on. They refer to the undead as zombies, they immediately know to aim for the head and they are well aware that infection is possible through the exchange of saliva and other bodily fluids as well as blood and being bitten. This would be an interesting Postmodern angle to explore and could propel the story forward a lot quicker than previous examples.

What we know. Aim for the head. A head shot, decapitation, neck breaking, brain removal, take your pick. Don't be one of those dunces shooting the shit out of the chest, you're wasting your time and people will be screaming at you through their TV. Nobody wants that.

So, with that established now what? Weaponry. This is imperative, even if it only gives you a false sense of security, a weapon should greatly boost your confidence as well as your chances of survival. Yes, obviously you'd prefer a gun but it's doubtful they'll be lying around conveniently like an easter egg hunt. No, it's more likely you'll have to start off small scale, a bat, crowbar, or any blunt instrument. They're all good for bludgeoning undead heads. Jaime Winstone (schwing!) successfully uses a fire hydrant to repeatedly smash the skull of a zombie into a bloody pulp.

Clothing. It would be awesome if you could fight hordes of the undead in the Dark Knight Batsuit, however this is an unlikely crossover. What we know is this; zombies bite, they bite and they scratch and they spit blood relentlessly, only operating on some basic primal instinct for food. Lovely. So cover up all exposed areas of flesh, especially your neck. Im tired of seeing victims having their jugular biten out and then spurting thick crimson blood all over the polished camera lens, Davina your guilty. Rookie mistake! What you need to be aware of is the balance between protection and mobility. You want armour but you need to stay as fleet footed as possible. And for Gods sake don't have lots of jewellery and tassles dangling about everywhere, begging for a zombie to grab hold of and pull you close for an intimate moment.

An important addition. Eyes. During a zombie holocaust, if you're lucky (or unlucky) enough to survive for more than 5 minutes it is highly likely your face will become splattered with blood. I think goggles are always overlooked. For example Frank (Brendan Gleeson) in 28 Days Later, foolishly neglected this issue and soon after a single drop of infected blood fell into his eye, turned into a fast paced rage consumed maniac and tried to savage his daughter. Do you want that to be you? No, nor do i.

From Paris avec love and sans haste.

Paris. Beautiful architecture, Notre Dame minus Quasimodo. The Musee d'Orsay, a converted train station houses an excellent collection of impressionist art, Sigley, Monet, and another guy that sounds like Picasso, but i think is Pissarro. Sartre and Simone de Beauvoire turn in their graves as we pay 18 Euros for a Heineken and vin blanc in Cafe Flore on the Boulevard Saint-Germain. The Latin quarter is full of cool jazz cats and cigarette socialites sitting outside bistros in the cold, covered only by an awning and their lapel collared coats.

The Eiffel Tower glows with an UV blue underlight and sparkels on the hour, every hour. Vertigo must be overcome to make it to the top and stand in awe at the panoramic neon map that stretches out to the horizon and disappears as the earth curves round. Everything is reduced to light and dark. Walk up the Champs Elysees to the Arc de Triomphe, also spectacular at night. Sculputres of Renaissance warriors battle with their tackle out, naked and vulnerable.

Pigalle, the Moulin Rouge and sex shops stretch out along the south of Montmartres challenging Amsterdams red light district. Depravity in-house and out-sourced. Fat hookers don't intice and fail to live up to the images plastered on the outside of the bars. Still, horniness and hardons force a hasty retreat to the hotel Saints Georges. Debauchery taken home and disciplined.

The Centre de Pompidou boasts an impressive archive of modern art. Basquiat. Beuys. Picasso. Man Ray. Fishli and Weiss, The Way Things Go. Marcel Duchamp's Urinal. Humbled by seeing such significant pieces in the proverbial flesh. Right wrongs, count to 10 more often. The buildings insides are on its outside. Transparency.

Ride the river Siene and kiss under the most romantic bridge. Exhibitionists love to be watched by nearly a thousand different voyeuristic statuesque heads hanging over the water. The Oberkampf is uber fun. Fine dining and drinking to the sultry sounds of Amy Winehouse, Phil Collins and The Police. Shakespearian book shops in the Latin quarter. Smoke menthol Vogues, casting fashionable shadows. Berets, pointy shoes and over the top lapels, are all Parisian lo-fi haute couture. Rain wets high spirits as every tear you fail to cry dampens your heart further. Communication.

Croissants and pain au chocolat. Eurostar vs Eurolines. Ferry and coach team up to take on the train. Over or under the channel?