Fifty Shades of Disappointment

Was aiming for a satirical take, combining the recent story of porn warping young people's view of what sex is and should be, with the "literary" phenomenon Fifty Shades of Grey. But I don't think I pulled it off. 

It is feared that girls growing up with clit lit like E.L. James' Fifty Shades of Grey are building themselves up for a lifetime of disappointment. The easy access and over saturation (there's a trilogy) of such material means that an entire generation of young women believe that multiple orgasms will be a staple fixture of their sex life. Any grown woman will tell you this is pure fantasy, as fantastical as the idea of a multi-millionaire taking days off willy nilly to seduce a virginal college girl and engage in some light domestic violence.  

Equally, men are panicking at the sudden weight of expectation that is building upon their frail shoulders. Clit lit and mommy porn novels are irresponsibly depicting men as bona-fide sex Gods, which I can assure you is not the case. Men find sex both awe-inspiring and terrifying in equal measure. Have you ever seen a man regard a dildo with anything other than utter fear or a nervous joke? Showing a woman a pleasurable time in bed is about as easy for men as committing. Maybe if there was an app for that we could maybe, possibly, potentially manage to deliver one orgasm every now and then, with a lot of work, patience, luck and lube. We need a cervical compass, a labia map and vulva orienteering tools. We need as much help as we can get. Characters such as Christian Grey, who makes Ana gush come like a salty waterfall simply by saying her name, are responsible for a distorted view that is not only unrealistic but grossly careless. Please, take a second to think about the younger generation, who will inevitably be crushed by these great expectations. It is unfair and unjust. 

There have been some unconfirmed reports that Fifty Shades of Grey is actually an elaborate initiative from the Coalition government to get people to read again, that E.L. James is merely an invention. Sources close to us didn't say, "MI5 were concerned about the lack of people reading so have begun hiding porn deep under covers, respectable covers that make the filth contained within look like proper literature. Confusion has followed because a) It's been successful and b) It comes after the government tried closing down all the libraries."